Secret Powerz

Warning: this post has nothing to do with ballet

So, work has slowed down a lot, which is great as the Adult Beginner has slowed down a lot too.
I’m basically on-call these days,
And mostly the shop isn’t calling.
But they did the other day: boss was all, “Hey, you wanna work Monday? We need someone to go to [Studio] and fit [cranky star no one wants to fit].”
And I was like “Sure, sounds awesome!”
And he was like, “Well, I don’t know about awesome, but great! See you Monday!”
So, Monday morning I employed A Trick.
I dressed for Maximum Hugeness.
See, I thought being pregnant meant you go from having a waist to having zero waist, but Nay, Gentle Reader,
You actually go from having one waist to having two waists!
Two Waists!
There’s the upper waist, which is above the belly, and then there’s the lower waist, which is below the belly.
And here’s the thing: if you wear a belt or something that nips in at the lower waist, you will look very comical and round and adorably pregnant, but if you wear a belt at the upper waist and deny the lower waist by just letting your clothes hang like a tent from the biggest part of the belly, you will look big as a frikin house.
And you might be wondering, ‘But Adult Beginner, when would anyone ever want to look big as a frikin house?’
And the answer is: many important times.
Like, you have to fly somewhere and you want to pre-board and have someone put your bag in the overhead for you, which you are perfectly capable of doing on your own but whatev’s, you want some special treatment dammit!
Or you are going to a taping of Chelsea Lately and you want to be seated in the front row so you can be on camera.
(by the way, this doesn’t work but I still love you Chelsea.)
Or you are taking your car in to the mechanic for something that is probably nothing but you are going to play up the Hysterical Pregnant Lady angle to get better faster service.
Or you have to go fit someone who never says hello and sometimes wanders off leaving you to chase after on hands and knees while trying to mark a hem.
Dressing to emphasize Maximum Hugeness can expediate all sorts of situations.
Kinda reminds me of a girlfriend who would wear a giant fake diamond engagement ring on loan from the costume department where she worked, just so that when she went to work with vendors they would feel inadequate and not hit on her. Just expedited the process.
So I got all suited up in a long tent of a dress with a belt at the upper waist, did the fitting, came back to work,
Boss was like, “How’d it go?”
And I was like, “Really well, [cranky star no one wants to fit] was actually nice this time,”
And he was like, “well of course [cranky star no one wants to fit] was nice to you! No one can be mean to a pregnant lady! That’s the rules! That’s why we sent you!”


About adultbeginner

Had my first ballet class Ever at the advanced age of thirty-two. Yikes.
This entry was posted in ce n'est pas une mom blog, the Body and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Secret Powerz

  1. Joyce says:

    This is why people who aren’t pregnant shouldn’t wear blousey empire waisted things, because then I wonder if they ARE pregnant and get all conflicted about offering them a seat on the bus.

    • Empire is one of my all time very favorite periods in fashion history. It’s gorgeous. I love it. But it’s sad and true, an Empire gown is almost impossible to pull off in real life without looking a little bit pregnant.
      I think the trick is you really do need to wear a corset underneath like they did, and Grecian sandals, and maybe go ahead and dampen your dress so it clings.
      And if you can’t be bothered with all that, wear something else.
      Do Empire right or don’t do it at all!
      And you know, if you offer someone a seat and they are not actually pregnant, they have two choices: feel insulted and refuse, or feel insulted and accept. I vote for accepting. I mean, to quote a friend who has experienced this very thing, “if you’re gonna feel insulted, might as well be sitting down”.

      • YogiDancer says:

        Actually I do own this one empire waisted dress, and when I’m tired I’ll wear it to commute and rub my belly all pregnant like. It totally works! What? I never said I wasn’t evil! Also, if I ever do get pregnant I’d wear ALL the empire waists because I’d be all, look at me! I’m allowed because I AM pregnant!

  2. lalatina says:

    Hahaha! Great post! :)

  3. Pingback: When Bel Air equals Ballet | Adult Beginner

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