Sports Massage omg

Gentle Reader, I had a massage yesterday unlike any massage I’ve ever had in my entire life.
Just for comparison, here are the massages I have had in my life:
The Fancy Lady Spa Massage. You know, with aroma-therapeutic massage oils and, like, prayer-bowl music or rainforest soundtrack or Relax With Train playing softly, and no talking from the masseuse and you just relax and melt and be fancy.
The Traditional Chinese Massage. That’s the one where you meet your girlfriends for brunch and then you all go over to try this new place and you’re all in one big room and you keep your clothing on and the masseuse puts a sheet over you and then wails the tar out of you through the sheet, and pummels your feet and then you all stagger out with crazy giant post-massage hair and compare notes like, “omg, I almost had to ask him to stop with that back-of-the-knee thing,” and, “how are you guys? Sounded like your side of the room was getting hit a lot harder!”
And then there’s the Pre-Party Shoulder Massage From Friends, which happens while your hanging out with your peeps, putting glitter in your hair and waiting for the club to open a 3:00am.
And the Massage before Acupuncture, the one where this adorable round giggly woman bustles in to the room and says Hot Towel! and then scrubs your back all over with a scalding hot towel and giggles while you yelp.
Yesterday I had a Sports Massage.
Ok here’s the deets: ankle was acting up, rolling out the lower leg muscles seemed to help, figured I should get a pro to do it, finally went to this place a friend’s been recommending for a long time.
The recommendation was along the lines of, “This guy is the best. It will hurt. I’ve been scolded for making too much noise and frightening the other patients. Some people can’t handle it, like this guy (pointing to friend across the table).”
And he was not exaggerating.
Massage therapist came in, asked me what the issue was, started poking around in the ankle and calf department and was immediately like, “Well its not your ankle, it’s your calf muscles! My god they’re like knot city! Oh, this is bad, this is like car-accident bad!” and then he lays into my muscles and omg, Fancy Lady Spa Massage this was not. All the while he’s keeping up a steady conversation, I’m guessing to distract me from the pain and to make sure I didn’t hold my breath.
Good trick really.
We talked about movies. The consensus: My Week With Marilyn was fantastic and gorgeous, and Hugo was a boring let-down.
And by talked I mean he chatted while I alternately buried my head in my arms, tried not to squirm, and laughed with that awful charley-horse pain while trying to keep up my end of the conversation.
Every now and then he’d ask things like, “do you do yoga or anything? Oh, well ballet’s great, just as good for you as yoga,” and “have you never had your legs worked? Ever? Well you really should.” in such a tone of, duh, this is what people do that I came home and repeated it to Mr. Adult Beginner and he was like, “yeah, that’s like when you point out to people that they should get their pants hemmed. Getting your legs worked seems normal in his line of work”
After punishing my right calve he moved on to check my left shoulder and neck.
Final verdict: “Girl, this is all bad. You need help!”
Sounds like it is possible that I’ve never relaxed in my entire life.
Booked another appointment for next week. Glad it’s a week away. Gives me a minute to recover.


About adultbeginner

Had my first ballet class Ever at the advanced age of thirty-two. Yikes.
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16 Responses to Sports Massage omg

  1. lalatina says:

    Omgosh! I need someone like him!!!

  2. Sarah says:

    awesome! i have to get one.

  3. Andre says:

    This device is applied to my calves (and IT band, TFL, hamstrings, and inner thigh) after every class: I have the half-size version which is easy to travel with. If you can stand it, get your husband or a friend to put weight on your calves while you roll on them.

    If that’s too hardcore to start with, get one of those black closed cell rollers (not the white ones you can find everywhere) because they will last forever. I have the round 12×6, which travels well, too. The white ones will deform in no time.

    Also, as you know now, get regular massages. I’m so jealous you have a good one to go to!

  4. Maria says:

    this sounds amazing. my shoulders and neck are always so tense that sometimes it gets to the point that my arm and fingers go numb. It’s so weird. Massages are awesome. I try to go and get a 10 minute one every 2 weeks or so, but I’m pretty sure its nothing like this one. Glad you relaxed! :)

  5. Guyenne says:

    Therapeutic massage is SO good. I see a KMI (aka Rolfing) guy right now, and it makes such a difference.

  6. J says:

    Finding a good massage person is the key. I started when my knees were so stiff that I could not bend them to walk up or down stairs. My quads were giant knots. Now, the knees bend more, but I have lots of other giant knots to keep my massage person in business for years. I budget the money as “maintenance.”

    • Maintenance, exactly!
      In some ways ballet is kinda like maintenance, for the brain and the body, keeps everything healthy. So, funny to think that it’s necessary to do maintenance to maintain the maintenance.

  7. Balletcat says:

    Story of my life! my physio said the same thing when she was massaging me. Im pretty messed up especially all along my left side! But learning a lot about anatomy through each session and how to release those tension muscles :) she recently taught me where to massage to increase your pointed foot range!

  8. Anony Mouse says:

    so you’re the one making all those primal grunts during at the communal massage place!!

    i’m the opposite. i’m usually so stunned by the pressure that i can’t even make a sound

    there’s some crazy video on you tube by an australian woman…i’m not sure if she’s a physical therapist or ballet teacher but she shows how massaging the shoulders increases leg flexibility. has anyone else heard of this? it’s uuumazing if it’s true although i’m a skeptic.

  9. M. says:

    yes. sports massages are worth every penny. just wish i had more pennies.

  10. PBG says:

    Wait, I’m supposed to be hemming my pants? :)

  11. thelush says:

    who is this brilliant massage man, i would love to make an appointment!

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