Fear. The other eff word.

Was just thinking about pointe class, and how maybe it’s ok that it’s, like, temporarily defunct. Because this way The Ankle will be fully, 100%, no questions healed by the time pointe starts up again,
And pointe will start up again. It can’t not. I’m putting my money on March, let’s see if I’m right.
So, that got me thinking about my two Ballet Injuries, The Sprain and the Tendonitis and how weird it is that the tendonitis, which was a less serious injury, more of an over-use, bad-walking-shoe-choices type injury than an acute injury, hurt much much longer. Months after I would be hobbling around at the end of a long day of work, miserable, wondering if the damned thing was ever gonna shut up.
And the sprain, a pretty legit injury, was done hurting almost immediately. But it introduced the Fear.
And the Fear is more painful.
We are working on pas faillé in class, which involves swooping, flying, changing direction and sometimes feet in the air, and Gentle Reader, I have the fear. I don’t fly through the air. I used to fly through the air. Now I take a small leap. Barely more than marking it.
And afterward lé Assistant tells me I must be very careful to land on both feet always always, and then I’m just more afraid, like, was I not? Was I landing crooked? Did I almost???
Funny too that the tendonitis hurt a hell of a lot but didn’t change my life much, whereas the sprained ankle became the boss of everything!
Couldn’t sleep on my stomach the first few weeks, because ankle wouldn’t straighten out to lie flat.
Was about a month an a half before I could sit cross-legged on the floor. And I love sitting cross-legged on the floor!
Couldn’t kneel on the floor to mark a hem, had to go down on one knee like I was asking the dress-form to marry me.
Couldn’t go running for a long time. Gained some weight. Just congratulated myself recently when I realized I’d just gone for a long run without keeping both eyes glued to the trail in front of my right foot, looking for holes to trip in. I saw trees! And other people! There was a whole world out there!
Fear is a weird thing, because I know that eventually I’ll just forget to be afraid. Which is insane! How can you forget to be afraid?! But it’ll happen, some day I’ll be changing after class and it’ll be like, “Woah, Self. You just did those sissónes to the back like they weren’t no thang. And those bitches is scary!”
And then pointe class will start up again and it won’t be no thang either.

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About adultbeginner

Had my first ballet class Ever at the advanced age of thirty-two. Yikes.
This entry was posted in Ballerina Class, and other pointe-y stuff, the Body and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Fear. The other eff word.

  1. candice says:

    Eventually you do just forget about it and jump again. I got a nasty sprain in high school – landed a grande jete very badly* and ended up on crutches for three weeks – but a summer off was good for forgetting back then. Tendonitis (achilles) was nearly the end of my pointe work earlier this year though.

    Getting over the fear gets better with practice – the more scary things you try and succeed at, the better it gets. I had to force myself to try pirouettes and pique turns in center on pointe and they were not as hard as I thought.

    *wasn’t turned out! wasn’t trained very well then either.

  2. Yvonne says:

    Totally understand that you are afraid. But I really hope you will forget the fears pretty soon :)

  3. You know what’s crazy? I wrote this out, went to class, and was much less afraid of all the leapy-jumpies. Writing it out really helped. I love you blog!!!!!!!!

  4. Sandra Lindsey says:

    I hear you with the not-being-able-to-kneel thing. I did something screwy to my knee last year and for a month the only way I could reach the bottom shelf in the supermarket was to pretend I was back in gym class and crouch down with my injured leg straight out to the side. Got some funny looks for that!

  5. Do you ever put your pointes on at home and just roll up and down a few times? Maybe do some little pique coupes or echappes?

    I started pointe around the same time as you, except the classes and teachers I take ballet with have been all over the place, so I haven’t really been getting regular, solid pointe instruction in. Thus, I come home (many times after a ballet class when my feet are all warm) and I just get on my pointes. I don’t try anything funny (although one day I was feeling really good and did a couple of single pirouettes to one side!!), just basic rolling through my feet and stuff.

    I think it has really helped. Even though I’ve done so little I still feel like my feet are getting reshaped and accustomed to pointe work, so it’s not a shock to my body when I get up on them.

    Anywho, just wondering if you do that/think that may be a good idea for you!

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