As you may know, the Adult Beginner has recently seen two whole ballets, this one and this one, and therefor is accepting the self-appointed title of Extremely Important Expert Ballet Watching Expert, Esquire, Emeritus, Etc!
And have I got some expert opinions?
(um, yes. That’s a yes. Yes I do have some opinions)
Ok, here are:
Things I Don’t Wanna See No More Of At The Ballet!
Otherwise known as:
Audience, Behave Yourselves!
Thing #1. Counting
Yes, fouettés en pointe are really really cool. The Adult Beginner cannot even do one. Therefor, I am already totally impressed before the second fouetté even happens. I don’t need to hear strangers counting out two!three!four! I mean really, are you practicing for your audition with Sesame Street? ‘Cause last time I saw The Count at our union meeting he said he’s got a few more years before he’s up for contract renewal.
And more importantly, are you people who are busy counting out loud Not impressed with one fouetté? Is there a number at which you suddenly will be impressed? Is that number thirty-two?
If so, please get with it!
Get with the fact that thirty-two fouettés is associated with Swan Lake specifically, and not with all fouettés in all ballets at all times! If you are watching something else, don’t go counting for thirty-two!
Not to mention, from what I’ve heard, the thirty-two are famous because it was quite a feat way way way back in the day. Now, ask any ballet student and she’ll whirl off thirty-three or thirty-four for ya, just for the heck of it. At least that’s what I hear. Don’t ask me, I already said I can’t even do one.
And another thing! Isn’t ballet about quality? Not quantity? Wouldn’t it be more clever to say, “omg Mabel! Did you see those fouettés? She did them for sixteen bars of music! Hot dang!”
I mean what, do you think the ballerina’s going to lose count?
Ok, moving on.
Thing #2 Having The Plague
People. Please do not attend the ballet when you have the plague. The noise of your imminent death interrupts my enjoyment of the orchestra. Please place your program firmly over your face, exit to the lobby, and do your expiring out of my earshot.
Thing #3 A Bunch Of Other Things!
Perfume! Are you trying to kill me?
Cell phones! You are try to kill me, aren’t you?
Explaining the plot during the show! Whaddaya think this is, Scream 2 at your local dollar theater? No! It’s the freaking ballet! Tell your dumb friend to read the plot synopsis in the program during intermission! That’s what it’s there for!
Blue jeans and sneakers! Why are you trying to make the Adult Beginner cry?!
Harumph I say!
Ok. Some things that are Adult Beginner Approved Audience Behaviors:
I mean, I don’t wanna tell you your business or anything.
Oh and PS Gentle Reader: if you are a performer, and you disagree, please voice your desent! I want to be a good audience member! If hearing the marimba from someone’s iPhone mid-pirouette helps you maintain balance, I’ll be glad to return mine to it’s default setting and leave it on!
Very post script:
The Standing O
Man, people are just friking giving those away!
It used to say, “I must leap out of my chair, as I have just witness the sublime.”
Now it says, “Oh yes, I quite liked that, plus my butt is sore.”
Except children’s recitals, of course. The entire audience should stand up and frikin cheer their hearts out for that mess.
Even more post post script-ish:
This is the Mr. Adult Beginner edit. He sez it’s not so much, “oh, I quite liked that,” it’s more like, “WOOOOOOOO! YOU WERE IN A SHOWWWWWWWW!”
Also, he disagrees with Automatic Standing O for the kiddos, as this just trains them to expect it every time forever.
He is a Hard Man, Gentle Reader. A Hard Man.