Gentle Reader, I bought The Most Hilarious bathing suit the other day,
See ’cause like I joined a pool so I can get my swim on, but all my pre-pregnant bathing suits are bikinis and you know the Adult Beginner likes her swim suit to stay in the upright and locked position while swimming laps, so I needed a one piece.
So I went to the Target.
Which I’m not proud of, because Target has some creepy anti-union ways. I try not to shop there, after all without the union I wouldn’t have health insurance, and without health insurance I might not be having a baby at all.
And then I wouldn’t need a new bathing suit in the first place.
But anyway, I went there, thinking they have all their fun cheap bright-colored swim suits out right now, and they have a maternity clothes department, which I’ve never bothered to look through but must also be full of fun, bright, silly bathing suits right now,
So I marched up in there with high expectations but No! Denied!
The maternity bathing suits Suck Completely!
There were like three options, in the most somber, depressing colors: dark dark blue, dark dark dark brown, black, colors I’m guessing are meant to be slimming, which is, like, a total insult.
I mean, hello, pregnant, not fat!
And even worse, the pregnant lady bathing suits have all this rediculous extra fabric! Like they’re all kinda tunic-styled with this overlay of fabric hanging from the underbust seam with all this ruching and cords up the side so you can raise or lower this curtain of depressing black Lycra.
Which would totally float around and drown me if I tried to swim laps in one of those things. I’d sink like a stone. Like a miserable stone with bad body image, tied up in an ugly sack.
Forget ‘chu, Target maternity suits!
So instead I went up to the front of the store, back into the world of color and fun, picked out a couple of one pieces in size Large and Extra Large, (in Real Life, aka not pregnant life, I try Medium)
tried them on,
And was totally cracking up in the dressing room. One of the suits was ombréd from bright pink at the halter top down to dark purple at the bottom, and with my new round shape, I looked Exactly like an Easter Egg.
So of course I bought that one.
Bought the Large, the XL had way more room than I’ll ever need in the bust department.
But it made me wonder about maternity leotards,
Never noticed any maternity clothes in dance stores. Wonder if pregnant dancers just go up a leotard size like I did with the bathing suit? Or do they switch over to yoga gear?
And if there are such things as maternity leos, are they sad, bulky sacks meant to hide the body, or are they bright and proud like my Easter Egg suit?
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