Went to see the midwives back in March for nutrition counseling.
Had been keeping a food diary for two weeks.
You can’t, like, even snack while prepping dinner without thinking, “ugh, have to remember to write that carrot down. And that olive. And that piece of cheese.”
Totally a good tool but No Fun.
They also asked me to bring in my prenatal vitamins, and if there was anything else I had questions on I should make a note or bring in the container.
So I brought in the danged food diary and the vitamins and a wrapper from one of the dark chocolate bars I’d been having pretty much every working day of the past few weeks.
And the midwives were like, “Oh, uh-uh. No. Just no on those chocolate bars.”
And I was like, “really? But I read somewhere (like Wishful Thinking Magazine) that dark chocolate is really good ’cause, like, antioxidants and stuff..?”
And they were like, “Girl, you might as well stick those chocolate bars on your ass.”
And like ten minutes later when I got done laughing, they explained that dark chocolate is good, but that chocolate bars also pack a ton of calories and sugar which will just put extra weight on me and the baby and I that should get my antioxidants from a more nutritious source.
And then they were like, “Really the best thing you could do would be to stop eating refined sugar all together, but we know you won’t do that so we’re not even gonna suggest it.” and I was like, “I’ll show you!!!” and immediately stopped eating refined sugar and then later was like, “Dang! They totally got me with their reverse psychology!”
But anyway, word on the food diary was that I should have more protein, and that more protein helps reduce sugar cravings, and then they made some recommendations for better pre-natal vitamins. They ones I was taking were ok but not great.
The Great ones are sold at the Expensive And Annoying Natural Food Store.
So after work a couple nights later, Mr. Adult Beginner and I turn corner into the vitamins aisle at Expensive And Annoying Natural Food Store, and there at the end is Kir. From my ballet class.
I’d forgotten she worked there.
This was before I was telling people about the whole baby thing.
I turned to Mr. Adult Beginner and was like, “We have to leave! She can’t know yet! Turn around we have to leave right now!”
And he was like, “Y u so crazy?! Get your vitamins!”
So, quickly asked the nearest store girl, found the vitamins, hid them behind my back, and we went to say hello to Kir, who was like, “hey! What are you guys doing!” and we were like, “Nothing! Haha! Just getting some (totally normal, not baby-related) groceries! HaHa!” and then quickly changed the subject to ballet class, and how Smirnoff still hasn’t used his shiny new iPod,
And Kir was like, “He’s just so proud. You know? His pride gets in the way, he’s too proud to do things he thinks he’ll be bad at.”
And I was like, “but you got him to use CDs, right? And he’s totally got the hang of that now. Mostly.”
And she was like, “yeah. Ok maybe. He’ll come around. Just out of curiousity maybe, to hear what’s on the thing.”
And I was like, “yeah!”
So then we talked about other things and I hugged her goodbye without exposing Secret Vitamins and we got all the way home before I realized that these pre-natal vitamins are actually Giant Horse Pills and the serving size is Six Per Day.
Like seriously, why am I even bothering to eat real food?
In April I got to hear the baby’s heart-beat for the first time, and, Gentle Reader, it sounds exactly like a galloping horse.
So I guess I’ll keep taking these horse pills.
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