Fear. The other eff word.

Was just thinking about pointe class, and how maybe it’s ok that it’s, like, temporarily defunct. Because this way The Ankle will be fully, 100%, no questions healed by the time pointe starts up again,
And pointe will start up again. It can’t not. I’m putting my money on March, let’s see if I’m right.
So, that got me thinking about my two Ballet Injuries, The Sprain and the Tendonitis and how weird it is that the tendonitis, which was a less serious injury, more of an over-use, bad-walking-shoe-choices type injury than an acute injury, hurt much much longer. Months after I would be hobbling around at the end of a long day of work, miserable, wondering if the damned thing was ever gonna shut up.
And the sprain, a pretty legit injury, was done hurting almost immediately. But it introduced the Fear.
And the Fear is more painful.
We are working on pas faillé in class, which involves swooping, flying, changing direction and sometimes feet in the air, and Gentle Reader, I have the fear. I don’t fly through the air. I used to fly through the air. Now I take a small leap. Barely more than marking it.
And afterward lé Assistant tells me I must be very careful to land on both feet always always, and then I’m just more afraid, like, was I not? Was I landing crooked? Did I almost???
Funny too that the tendonitis hurt a hell of a lot but didn’t change my life much, whereas the sprained ankle became the boss of everything!
Couldn’t sleep on my stomach the first few weeks, because ankle wouldn’t straighten out to lie flat.
Was about a month an a half before I could sit cross-legged on the floor. And I love sitting cross-legged on the floor!
Couldn’t kneel on the floor to mark a hem, had to go down on one knee like I was asking the dress-form to marry me.
Couldn’t go running for a long time. Gained some weight. Just congratulated myself recently when I realized I’d just gone for a long run without keeping both eyes glued to the trail in front of my right foot, looking for holes to trip in. I saw trees! And other people! There was a whole world out there!
Fear is a weird thing, because I know that eventually I’ll just forget to be afraid. Which is insane! How can you forget to be afraid?! But it’ll happen, some day I’ll be changing after class and it’ll be like, “Woah, Self. You just did those sissónes to the back like they weren’t no thang. And those bitches is scary!”
And then pointe class will start up again and it won’t be no thang either.

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