Went to a free yoga class the other day.
One of those Let’s Bring In New Membership deals.
Totally full class, like, sweaty strangers way closer up in my grill than I like.
Felt kinda bad for the regulars, their class all stuffed with Free Class people.
Good hard class, very sweaty, teacher is miked, which is a little weird but I guess he needs to talk over the music, so ok fine,
And, ok, so, end of class, we’re all laying there on our mats, eyes closed, thinking about our mantra or whatever, and I hear that distinctive tong pyong tong-tong and I’m just like, “oh for fucks sake, is this guy tuning a guitar at us? For reals?!”
And for reals, he starts strumming away and actually busts into song, an original song, written by himself, which I could tell because the lyrics were So Dumb, and I’m just trying not to lol and thinking, “Dude! This is not your audition! Sheesh, only in Hollywood. Also, your song sucks. You’re failing this audition!!! Really? You just rhymed love with love? You can’t rhyme a word with itself! There are rules!”
This is why I suck at yoga.
I’m too mean.
Also, I get bored.
Used to go to yoga pretty often at the gym, but there was this one teacher who I swear was like a recording. Exact. Same. Routine. Every time. Wording, tone, everything.
She’d be like, “…take a deep cleansing breath…”
And I’d be thinking, “why don’t You take a deep cleansing breath?!”
“…and come into downward facing dog…”
“why don’t You come into downward facing dog?!”
I was finally like, “why am I paying for this?!” and cancelled my gym membership and started doing yoga podcasts at home.
And then I stopped doing that too because I’d be doing a sequence on the right side and just be totally beyond bored at the prospect that once it was done I’d have to go through the whole damned sun-salutation again, and do the other side, and just like, start looking around for a pencil to jam in my ears.
So, yeah, yoga and me, not bffs
Weird though: I don’t get bored in ballet class. Even though I know we’re always gonna start with pliés, and whatever we do on the one side we’re just gonna turn right around and do on the other.
I like the attitude of a ballet class.
This free yoga class was all like, “do what you feel, whatever feels right for you in this moment is correct, don’t compare yourself to your neighbor, she may be more flexible, who cares, you’re here for you, la la la” and I’m just like, yeah right. How’m I supposed to not compare myself to my neighbor? She’s practically on top of me! This class is too crowded to be non-competitive!
Plus I like competition!
I don’t want to be told that that’s bad!
I am still super-sore though, so, like, at least yoga is a good workout.
And, ok, it’s possible that the reason I went in the first place is because the advertisement looks exactly like a rave flyer.