Went to a free yoga class the other day.
One of those Let’s Bring In New Membership deals.
Totally full class, like, sweaty strangers way closer up in my grill than I like.
Felt kinda bad for the regulars, their class all stuffed with Free Class people.
Good hard class, very sweaty, teacher is miked, which is a little weird but I guess he needs to talk over the music, so ok fine,
And, ok, so, end of class, we’re all laying there on our mats, eyes closed, thinking about our mantra or whatever, and I hear that distinctive tong pyong tong-tong and I’m just like, “oh for fucks sake, is this guy tuning a guitar at us? For reals?!”
And for reals, he starts strumming away and actually busts into song, an original song, written by himself, which I could tell because the lyrics were So Dumb, and I’m just trying not to lol and thinking, “Dude! This is not your audition! Sheesh, only in Hollywood. Also, your song sucks. You’re failing this audition!!! Really? You just rhymed love with love? You can’t rhyme a word with itself! There are rules!”
This is why I suck at yoga.
I’m too mean.
Also, I get bored.
Used to go to yoga pretty often at the gym, but there was this one teacher who I swear was like a recording. Exact. Same. Routine. Every time. Wording, tone, everything.
She’d be like, “…take a deep cleansing breath…”
And I’d be thinking, “why don’t You take a deep cleansing breath?!”
“…and come into downward facing dog…”
“why don’t You come into downward facing dog?!”
I was finally like, “why am I paying for this?!” and cancelled my gym membership and started doing yoga podcasts at home.
And then I stopped doing that too because I’d be doing a sequence on the right side and just be totally beyond bored at the prospect that once it was done I’d have to go through the whole damned sun-salutation again, and do the other side, and just like, start looking around for a pencil to jam in my ears.
So, yeah, yoga and me, not bffs
Weird though: I don’t get bored in ballet class. Even though I know we’re always gonna start with pliés, and whatever we do on the one side we’re just gonna turn right around and do on the other.
I like the attitude of a ballet class.
This free yoga class was all like, “do what you feel, whatever feels right for you in this moment is correct, don’t compare yourself to your neighbor, she may be more flexible, who cares, you’re here for you, la la la” and I’m just like, yeah right. How’m I supposed to not compare myself to my neighbor? She’s practically on top of me! This class is too crowded to be non-competitive!
Plus I like competition!
It’s honest!
I’m competitive!
I don’t want to be told that that’s bad!
So there!
I am still super-sore though, so, like, at least yoga is a good workout.
And, ok, it’s possible that the reason I went in the first place is because the advertisement looks exactly like a rave flyer.
You sound EXACTLY like me regarding yoga class…I have given yoga an honest try on many occasions (usually at the urging of a yoga-addicted friend) and decided it is just not for me (at least most typical yoga classes…I know there are like 60 different kinds or something)…I get bored and I hate going through all those poses once much less several times. However, I discovered yin yoga at a dancers’ workshop and it is THE exception: it’s about getting into poses that slowly work the connective tissues of the hips, spine, pelvis, etc. and is great for flexibility. The positions are adjusted according to individual biomechanics and you stay in them for a long time, like 3-8 minutes, and slow go deeper as tension releases…it’s very meditative but yet not boring at all, much to my happy surprise. It can be hurt a bit, but in a good way, like really REALLY working your turnout at the barre or going for that higher arabesque
If you can find a pure yin class–not yin/yang…I think yang is the regular gym yoga, or restorative yoga, which is not “hard” enough–you might like it because it’s so compatible with dance~
True confession: I HATE downward dog…WTF? I go out of my way in all of normal life to avoid sticking my rear out/in the air in public…why do I suddenly HAVE to do it now?
Downward dog. I’m always So Glad that pose makes you look behind, not in front of you.
Yin yoga huh? Never heard of it! Gonna be on the lookout though, that sounds awesome.
Really cool thing abou checking in with yoga again was seeing how much more flexible I am since last time I took a yoga class. Used to be I could just barely touch the floor in the forward fold, and hated anything reverse like reverse crescent with the backward bend, this time it was just like, Ok Cambré let’s do this thing.
And that’s all thanks to ballet.
I thought I loved yoga for a long time but I was so snarky and cynical in my head I couldn’t do it anymore. After class my body felt amazing but during class was actually hell. Yin yoga is brilliant since I can really feel it working deep into the ligaments (just as long as no one reads poetry or chants while I’m doing it.)
I like the spine release with downward dog but my stupid corgi keeps showing off how much better he is at it than I am.
Ok definitely checking out this yin yoga thing.
Otherwise my ideal yoga class is this one I’ve invented in my head:
Girl, Yo Ass Is Fine, Yoga. Complete with 90′s hiphop sound track.
Like to imagine a whole row of people balancing in tree-pose while kinda snaking their heads back and forth to Tribe Called Quest, “Honey check it out you got me mesmerized, with your black hair and your fat-ass thighs. Street poetry is my every day, but yo I got to stop when you drop my way.”
It’s all about good grooves and positive body image, whut!
I did yoga for a while when I lived in France (French yoga!) but we never terribly got on and I always got the irresistible urge to giggle whenever we did proper all out meditation – ‘ohmmmmmmmmming’ and everything… also it made me so wired I couldn’t sleep after, weird.
Wow, chanting plus French accents? That’s, like, an impossible giggling-challenge, yikes!
Hahaha… I love that you admit to being competitive. I know yoga’s supposed to be all, “feel how you feel, no judgey.” But secretly I look around and think, “Wow, her form’s terrible; ooh, I can stretch way further than that.” I feel like a jerk, but that’s how I’m wired. I blame ballet.
I did go through a period (during the Decade of No Dance) where I bought a ton of Kundalini yoga DVDs and put them in rotation. I like it more than hatha yoga or whatever because it’s a lot more active, but with DVDs I learn the sequence way too easily, know what’s coming next, know if it’s a bitch of an exercise that I don’t really want to do, and it totally ruins whatever mental benefits I’m supposed to be getting from it. I prefer classes where I don’t know what’s coming up, but I stick to free classes I’m really limited in what I can get. Luckily I’ve never been subjected to a wannabe singer-songwriter teacher, though!
Yay for competitive inner monologues!!!
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